Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*