“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
it was a valiant fight
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
They’re stuck in your pants?
