Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’