Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

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I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad