Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

constantly working on myself.