Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

There are no pants in heaven.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.