Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater