Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

Confused owl: What?!

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.