Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?