Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute