Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
I’ve had worse
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*