Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Cha-ching is my safe word
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this