Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
