Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
how much for the angry fruit?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Simple enough.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror