Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear