Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

can’t wait til they legalize outside

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.