“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
i think both sides are to blame here
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!