“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
12. I think about this all the damn time
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy