Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

◾️

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]