Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
same but as an audience member
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused