Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh