Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.