Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

can’t wait til they legalize outside

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.