Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
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One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE