Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

then why did i get this email

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.