Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there