Where is that goddamn asteroid already
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I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.