Where is that goddamn asteroid already
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
😼🖥️
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband: