14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
boat question
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Usage Guidelines
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*