“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care