“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
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Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Ok but actually
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
How to make infinite energy.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
this will hang in the louvre one day
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time