Where is your GOD now????
You Might Also Like
Dumple
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
#DesignFail
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Is your wife single?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about