“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Good morning
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you