Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

If you know, you know

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Breaking news:

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.