Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

New skill unlocked

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

My biological clock is wheezing.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO