Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.