Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.