where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
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Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now