where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
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Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.