where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
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Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”