Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas