Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I have obtained a hat
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!