Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.