Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.