Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Has science gone too far?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”