Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
The most important meal of the day is the next one
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
If I ignore life will it go away?