Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.