Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

when she block me on everything

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

Who’s ready for Friday?!

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

I beg your pardon?

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.