Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
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Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit