Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
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Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Lmao 😁
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
