Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

crying

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

#ConfessToAubry
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I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.