Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
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gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
💀💀💀💀
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*