Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
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Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
The “baby” on the left….
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Brands during Pride
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played