Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
your honor my client chooses dare
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Okay
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO