where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
You Might Also Like
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died