where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I can fix him.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.