where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.