where there’s a whale there’s a whale
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.