where there’s a whale there’s a whale
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Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
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Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽