where there’s a whale there’s a whale
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Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
seriously you guys
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Trying
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”