Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

i baked you a cake

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis