Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
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Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭