Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
You Might Also Like
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.