Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.