@BrattyBarbie

Where there’s a will there’s an “OMG! What’s it say!? What does it say?”.

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@JohnHilsen

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

@FilthyRichmond

Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@HallpassCanada

Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.

@BlindChow

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

@CyborgHanky

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

@zebrasyndicate

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@Quartzjixler

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.