Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.