Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.